It doesn’t get easier.
I don’t think adjusting to huge life changes ever gets easier. I think it’s also more difficult when these changes happen for reasons out of our control- and I don’t necessarily mean that negatively, i.e. I knew my masters program would inevitably end and I’d have to figure out my next step eventually.
But it’s still hard. My entire life routine essentially changed overnight. In London, I had a cozy (real cozy aka tiny af) flat, a realllllllllllly cool job, I was blogging for my university and getting to do anything cultural I wanted in the city FOR FREE, and I was working towards an educational goal.
I remember being out one night this summer, and dancing with friends to some old-school Two Door Cinema Club in one of those underground night clubs you pay £5 enty and everyone is already a little gross because it’s 3AM and the pubs closed hours ago. I suddenly became very aware that I was in the midst of some of my best days and I became conscientious that I’d very soon look back on these days with a sigh of nostalgia. I wanted to take in every bit of my environment… a mental snapshot I could have forever. The floor was sticky. The air was stiff but no one cared. And everyone in that room looked so happy, presumably because of their liquid courage, but also probably because they were all also living their best days. That’s what I’d like to think anyway.
Sometimes it feels like I left a bit of myself in London. I had built up an entire existence there, and overnight I Cinderella-ed back into American life. I’m taking a hot minnit to adjust. It’s a process. I spend my days applying for jobs, and taking my youngest brother, Robert, lunch (where his teachers all probably think I’m his mother, especially considering I attended Muffins with Mom last week in lieu of my mother, who was at work).
While diving into the unknown is not necessarily unfamiliar to me, it is still a little scary. I’m here to tell you it’s alright to be apprehensive of the unknown, and it’s alright to admit you’re scared. It’s alright to admit you don’t have it all together, and it’s alright to feel a little lost when your self-identity changes for reasons beyond our control. I’ve achieved a lot of the goals I’ve set for myself i.e. I got the degree. I got the Ireland experience. I got the other degree. What the heck am I doing next!? Who are we beyond graduation? What is beyond our comfort zones? How will we spend our twenties? I don’t have the answers to any of these questions yet, but give me some time: I intend on enjoying the journey as it unfolds.